Friday, October 22, 2010


The reason I think I'm pregnant (I'm not) is because of the dreams.

I've always had really vivid dreams, and have also always wished I didn't dream at all - just a flat, constructive sleep. (Incidentally, my dad also wishes this, because he can. not. stand to hear about my dreams. So he should probably stop reading.)

The girls have started having regular nightmares. Berit can be soothed by having someone talk with her about them, and then, sometimes, having one of us sleep with her. We don't mind. It works.

Marta, however, has had nightmares for two straight nights, wherein she cries out every half-hour or so, yells at people, kicks and hits, and sobs. She's not comforted when I go to her - she doesn't quite wake entirely, so she's more irritated. I sleep in her room, in the bed next to hers, so I can at least whisper comforting things when she cries and rub her back. But it doesn't seem to help. I've cut out sugar before bed, tried filling her belly, tried not filling her belly. I don't know.

But I'm feeling like there might be something more - the moon, maybe? Because I've had unrelenting bothersome dreams, too. Dreams like I had when I was pregnant (and not the really, really good ones). Not scary, but nagging. For example, twins. We should adopt twins, not just one baby. In my dream I weigh the pros and cons of this for hours. I make an appointment with our case worker. I calculate how long it will take me to drive there and home, and whether or not I can make it while the sitter's home with the kids. I wonder if I want to risk driving down (you know, because I might die in a car accident).

And then I dream about babies. Everyone's new babies. Baby stuff, baby smells, baby names. Usually I'm not holding the babies, but want to. And then I weigh the pros and cons of having another baby. Or having another baby AND adopting our baby. If I get pregnant today, could I manage to travel to South Korea next month? Then the kids would be close together in age. Babies.

And of course I dream about money. Because here we are, wrapping up the house, and paying every crazy bill one pays while wrapping up a complete home remodel. And so I dream about the girls' tuition, and water bills, and surprise bills (whoops honey, I forgot to tell you I decided to add an apartment on top of the garage, sorry), and oh, the adoption bills.

And then I dream about a vacation. Because we want to take the girls to Disney this February; one final vacation with just the four of us, something really special to them before the new baby arrives. But, well, note the above paragraph. So my brain teases me with telling the girls about Disney, and with arrivals and the fun we'd have, and then throws in our not being able to go, and how no one will really know but me, but still, I want to go, too, and am I letting my kids down?

Last night, after having the twin dream, I decided to just stay up. It was exceptionally bright outside (so maybe yes, the moon after all?) and I just sat there, listening to Trevor sleep - he sleeps like a child, hard and unworried, the sleep of someone who worked hard for 12 hours, and then had a glass of wine before bed. I went in to Marta, I stayed in her room, I came back to mine. I obsessed about the house (should we move the girls into one room when Baby comes, to preserve the playroom? Could Baby share his/her room with playroom? Yes, no, yes, no, yes, no). I let the dog out, then in.

I think we've all had just about enough of this middle place, this limbo. I think we're all ready for stability, for routines, for our own bedrooms and steady work. Will this make the dreams go away, for everyone? Or will our sleep always be as transient as the moon, wherever we are?

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